The Confused Millenial Mommy Rant

I'm one of the most non-potential-mommies that you'll meet. :p You know how some women just seem like they were born for it and babies seem to be right at home with them? I am NOT that kind of person haha. I've never been exposed to pregnant people, never experienced taking care of babies, I don't gravitate to little kids, you get the drift.

Perhaps it's something common among working ladies in the millenial era? How many of you are non-domesticated? How many ladies out there even know how to cook? :p

I could see myself transitioning to the mommy phase, when i saw myself looking more and more at little babies over at Instagram and Facebook. I imagined how lovely a dad my husband would be. I imagine how things would change once we have our own kids. But it hasn't reached the phase of me being personally excited about being pregnant and having a child of our own.

I feel like I'm still too immature and still think of myself too much. and more importantly, work hasn't stabilized just yet. I'm currently a field sales and I hate my job. I hate how customers yell at me for problems that aren't mine. And my boss is your typical boss from hell. The problem is I'm his only staff and so the toxicity is much higher knowing that it's really only the both of us. All I desperately wanted was for me to get out of my current hell, move to a new company, and stabilize first. Because i know motherhood will be such a rollercoaster that i want to focus on it and relish the experience.

So i got my dream post from this company. By some divine intervention. I was gonna be a Senior Product Engineer and I was gonna have a 50% increase in basic salary. Everything was laid out and it was gonna be awesome fromthere and I couldn't wait to resign.

But and then *BOOM* we found out we're having a baby.

Happy, right? Blessing, right? Except that it would complicate matters.

The company tookback the job offer and decided not to hire me. that broke my heart in a million pieces. i was crying like mad yesterday.

Suddenly i'm out of choices. I realized that you do not know how bitter discrimination tastes like until  you've been hit. A fellow woman decided to take discriminate me for being pregnant. My current boss told me a year ago to try and not get pregnant. I'm sure he is not pleased with the news. wow. what a world for women, huh?

So right now here's the setup:

a. No one will apparently hire me in the next 8 months because of my pregnancy
b. I'm stuck with a boss i hate and someone who does not appreciate my pregnancy. My work entails driving off to various locations in the day, having to walk in the heat of the sun, and staying at the parking lot. Too much physical movement and i know it will be taxing for me as the pregnancy moves forward. I also hate my job and cannot bear to have 2 years in sales because i will be stuck in it forever if that happens. I shudder at the thought that I spent the first 2 months of my pregnancy crying and getting angry at my boss and at my work. I'm so sorry baby.
c. BUT WE NEED MONEY MORESO NOW. Because pregnancy is not a walk in the park. does it mean i have no choice but to stay?
d. IF i stay, what will it do to my baby if i keep doing things i hate and keep getting treated badly by my boss? i can try to be strong and all but i am at a very vulnerable and emotional phase now. how do i handle?
e. If i leave, i will do online work. the work and the money will be very unstable. but i will get to work on the e-book i've always wanted as a source of passive income for me any husband. but worst case, this will be my life for the next year. can i handle it??

It feels pretty frustrating. Did I really take my masters just for my career to take a downturn like this?

What to do, what to do. Absolutely clueless.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY. I have to resolve this feeling of limbo and instability asap. because the baby, will get affected with how i feel.
Honestly I could not get too excited yet for the baby because of this hanging feeling. I should be focusing on him/her but I couldn't. I have to.

I have a gutfeel that she's gonna be a girl. will we have the same toxic relationship as i do with my mom? hahah.

I heard her heartbeat for the first time a while ago 0_0. The goosebumps were intense. Oh my friggin goodness there's a live thing in my belly!!! and then we saw her photos. It's with us now and husband almost teared up. I'm so thankful to God because she's healthy and perfectly normal <3.

**

I have so many reasons to be thankful. supportive parents, loving husband, healthy soon-to-be-baby.
Right now what's at stake is my career. at least the career path that i dreamed of.

It's painful but i think i will have to say goodbye to it for now.
Now matter how i look at it i think i won't be able to go back to manufacturing for now. Won't be a senior product engineer at least for the next year. i do not know if i'll still be able to go back ever though.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN MY A-GAME. God and the universe has other plans perhaps.

Doesn't matter what other people think now. I still have to make my decision.

And i have absolutely no idea what to do for now. what i know is i have to take care of this little beauty. And make my decisions with her in mind.

So far papa Jesus thank you for not making me feel too nauseated even if i'm already on my 2nd month. i just have to get enough sleep and food. thank you for making her healthy.
Lord please help me to appreciate and enjoy this journey more. I really want to Lord.

Please please please make me stronger. I feel like such a pussy right now.
Dear baby hang on, mommy will come to her senses soon.