Week 25

Hello Twiddle! 

So many things going on, you're getting more and more active lately. Your daddy likes to hug you before he sleeps and when he wakes up. I like touching you and humming random tunes to you :) I think you're gonna be a nice little girl. AND YES YOU'RE A GIRL!

Your name is still a secret but you will have our initials, R & M :)

I have also started in the new job. It seems to be a good company and i'm incredibly thankful to God for that. I realize that hiring someone pregnant is pretty new for them here, so you will be my inspiration. I must not be seen as a liability, I must prove to the guys here that taking the risk of hiring me was worth it. The team is ok so far, though i'm still adjusting to the drive and the sleeping time.

Tomorrow I will be 30! *gasp*

But we're so busy about everything Twiddle. There's gonna be a mega sale and we'll be there and we'll attend a parenting seminar. 😊 I hope everything goes well and that my body can keep up. 

Love you baby! See you soon!

Genderexcited :)

Hello baby!
Next week we will finally find out your gender! Yey!

I wonder what we'll name you :)
Lately you've been very active. It was very interesting haha. I hope you are healthy and chill right there <3

Love you!

Abdominal Pains

Dear Raiya

Experiencing slight abdominal pains today. I have a feeling that it started on the looong travel we had last Saturday, when i felt quite tired. I tend to feel the pain when driving around :( I had quite a long drive today.

Hmmm please calm down in there baby ha <3

17 weeks :)

Dear Baby Raya

You're getting bigger!
Woke up a little tight on the tummy. But so far you're doing fine. The sound of your heartbeat last week was so enchanting! <3
Thank God for you :)
I just really dropped by to say I love you :)


Love, not-so-reluctant-mommy-anymore :)

Week 15

Oh baby Raya
I'm having the worst time at work. or maybe the worst year at work.
I don't know what I have been doing. I'm being messed up and it's bringing out the worst in me.
But I am trying to hold on.
For you and for your daddy.
Big hug.

Week 14

I'm at 14 weeks now, and man I LOVE TO EAT.
Hahaha. I also get the weirdest dreams. :P

Hello Raia (if you're a girl)/ Raya (if you're a boy), I love you! :)
Thank you for coming to us now, because we will be compleeeete!

Dear Papa Jesus, thank you for our now. :)

Baby Naming Begins :)

Last night we went to the hospital to visit our friend whose wife just gave birth to a lovely baby girl. :)

The procedure seemed so chill. But she was in CS. My first time to see a newborn baby actually :-D
Such a fragile little thing! I love how she cries and then suddenly calms down when her daddy starts rubbing her shoulders. <3

And so when we got home me and Ray started talking about baby names. I want our baby to have 2 names because I always thought my name was cool and I had a choice on what to use. :-p

I also want a Filipino-sounding name. I have been toying about the phrase "Hiraya Manawari". Just a quick search now showed that it means "sana matupad" in deeper Tagalog. I have been toying with the name "Raya" because it's very Malay-sounding. Raya can also be a play between my name and my husbands. And you jumble a couple of letters and you get Arya - my favorite character in Game of Thrones, followed by Margaery. :)

If it's a girl, I would love her to be named Raia Margaery. SO COOL. Husband isn't too keen with the idea yet but maybe he'll change his mind. :p Can be Raia Marie too but it's too obviously me and husband already. :p

If it's a boy, it would be spelled Raya. But we don't know the second name yet. Perhaps Raya Markus?

Bana (it means 'husband') is already thinking of the convention we'll use assuming that there'll be brothers and sisters. Hehe!

I am open to having more kids, but not in this situation again please. I need to have stable work and established career before we take in another one. :)

Baby Little Twiddle Adventures

While she is peacefully sleeping in her pod, waiting for the full level of delight to fill her up,  some bad elements called Sneezy and Coofy tried to hound her mommy. It's been a week and mommy is feeling frustrated already because she cannot drink over-the-counter meds. 

She just keeps praying to Papa Jesus and the lovely forces of the universe to heal mommy already. And that none of these bad elements get to even a stone's throw away from her. 

By the way mommy doesn't know if Little Twiddle is a he or a she. It's still a surprise. <3

Tale of The Little Twiddle

Once upon a time, there was a little twiddle

Papa Jesus was walking around the garden, and he spread out some bursts of sunflower puffs, star sprinkles, happy thoughts, good vibes, love for all, joyful delight, and openness to the world, mixed it together and poof! Little Twiddle was born!

He was sent down squishing and flying from the ends of the universe until he settled into the womb of a clueless 29 year old who hasn't even found her own place in the spotlight. But she was surrounded with so much love. And beauty. And kindness. and that was enough.

*To be continued*

Week 9

Well, being out of options somehow let's you focus. Because well, you have no choice.
So far I'm still here and haven't filed my resignation.

Little twiddle is quite behaved this week, I didn't have abdominal pains like I did last week. Probably because I also now feel calmer now that things are more laid out.

Doesn't mean it's all good from here. There are still a whole lot of worries in terms of finances. I just try to pray and tell God that I leave this all to him.

Week 8

I still can't believe i'm going to be a mom. and apparently a whole lot of pregnant women feel that way too. It looks like a lot of them survived. So I probably will too. *cross fingers, lahat na*

I'm at a fork-road, if they take me in I will get myself ready for war again. But at least I could rest my mind easy knowing that i'm already where i want to be for medium-longterm and then just focus on the new work and pregnancy. I really dislike limbos it stresses me too much.

If they don't take me in, hello freelancing and learning-how-to-be-more-domesticated world. I definitely will have to leave this job soon. It's a messed deal.

Hello Baby! We feel like you'll be a girl but I'm okay if you're a boy too. :)

Today we Broke The News :)

The euphoria of everyone around is rubbing on me :)
We also had our photobooth session a while ago and everyone was congratulating us.

There's a live baby inside of us. It's gonna be a little M or a little R. :)
Thank you Lord <3

mmm

at the end of the day though, when I remember having to go back to an office where i feel so ineffective and so dumb, i feel terrified again.
and insecure.
what if i don't become a good mother :'(

Life is giving me so much, but am i making the most out of it? how do i make the most out of it? by being grateful, by being in the moment. by being the best that I can be.

But really Lord, thank you.

Could not break the news to officemates

Because I do not feel very celebratory. I hope next week this gets better.
Hormones are making me feel really emotional I feel like crying so much and just running out of the office. Woooh Lord help me please.

I FEEL LIKE CRYING EVERY TIME I TALK WHAT THE FUCK

***

A good friend gave me good pep talk today. Huhu thank you Lord for people like them <3 <3 <3

Week 7 (perhaps)

Back in the job I hate.
But I will try my best to give this another go.
All for this little beauty, all for this beauty.

For Newbie Moms - Google is Your Friend and Your Enemy

As I have previously mentioned, I have zero idea on how to navigate this new road to being a mom.
So I now devour on random articles on the first trimester and what to expect.
Boy this is overwhelming!! The amount of frustration you get while going through all of this can be terrifying noh?

Just joined a couple of FB groups also for moms.
Hahaaay will just dive in head first and let it be!

The Confused Millenial Mommy Rant

I'm one of the most non-potential-mommies that you'll meet. :p You know how some women just seem like they were born for it and babies seem to be right at home with them? I am NOT that kind of person haha. I've never been exposed to pregnant people, never experienced taking care of babies, I don't gravitate to little kids, you get the drift.

Perhaps it's something common among working ladies in the millenial era? How many of you are non-domesticated? How many ladies out there even know how to cook? :p

I could see myself transitioning to the mommy phase, when i saw myself looking more and more at little babies over at Instagram and Facebook. I imagined how lovely a dad my husband would be. I imagine how things would change once we have our own kids. But it hasn't reached the phase of me being personally excited about being pregnant and having a child of our own.

I feel like I'm still too immature and still think of myself too much. and more importantly, work hasn't stabilized just yet. I'm currently a field sales and I hate my job. I hate how customers yell at me for problems that aren't mine. And my boss is your typical boss from hell. The problem is I'm his only staff and so the toxicity is much higher knowing that it's really only the both of us. All I desperately wanted was for me to get out of my current hell, move to a new company, and stabilize first. Because i know motherhood will be such a rollercoaster that i want to focus on it and relish the experience.

So i got my dream post from this company. By some divine intervention. I was gonna be a Senior Product Engineer and I was gonna have a 50% increase in basic salary. Everything was laid out and it was gonna be awesome fromthere and I couldn't wait to resign.

But and then *BOOM* we found out we're having a baby.

Happy, right? Blessing, right? Except that it would complicate matters.

The company tookback the job offer and decided not to hire me. that broke my heart in a million pieces. i was crying like mad yesterday.

Suddenly i'm out of choices. I realized that you do not know how bitter discrimination tastes like until  you've been hit. A fellow woman decided to take discriminate me for being pregnant. My current boss told me a year ago to try and not get pregnant. I'm sure he is not pleased with the news. wow. what a world for women, huh?

So right now here's the setup:

a. No one will apparently hire me in the next 8 months because of my pregnancy
b. I'm stuck with a boss i hate and someone who does not appreciate my pregnancy. My work entails driving off to various locations in the day, having to walk in the heat of the sun, and staying at the parking lot. Too much physical movement and i know it will be taxing for me as the pregnancy moves forward. I also hate my job and cannot bear to have 2 years in sales because i will be stuck in it forever if that happens. I shudder at the thought that I spent the first 2 months of my pregnancy crying and getting angry at my boss and at my work. I'm so sorry baby.
c. BUT WE NEED MONEY MORESO NOW. Because pregnancy is not a walk in the park. does it mean i have no choice but to stay?
d. IF i stay, what will it do to my baby if i keep doing things i hate and keep getting treated badly by my boss? i can try to be strong and all but i am at a very vulnerable and emotional phase now. how do i handle?
e. If i leave, i will do online work. the work and the money will be very unstable. but i will get to work on the e-book i've always wanted as a source of passive income for me any husband. but worst case, this will be my life for the next year. can i handle it??

It feels pretty frustrating. Did I really take my masters just for my career to take a downturn like this?

What to do, what to do. Absolutely clueless.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY. I have to resolve this feeling of limbo and instability asap. because the baby, will get affected with how i feel.
Honestly I could not get too excited yet for the baby because of this hanging feeling. I should be focusing on him/her but I couldn't. I have to.

I have a gutfeel that she's gonna be a girl. will we have the same toxic relationship as i do with my mom? hahah.

I heard her heartbeat for the first time a while ago 0_0. The goosebumps were intense. Oh my friggin goodness there's a live thing in my belly!!! and then we saw her photos. It's with us now and husband almost teared up. I'm so thankful to God because she's healthy and perfectly normal <3.

**

I have so many reasons to be thankful. supportive parents, loving husband, healthy soon-to-be-baby.
Right now what's at stake is my career. at least the career path that i dreamed of.

It's painful but i think i will have to say goodbye to it for now.
Now matter how i look at it i think i won't be able to go back to manufacturing for now. Won't be a senior product engineer at least for the next year. i do not know if i'll still be able to go back ever though.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN MY A-GAME. God and the universe has other plans perhaps.

Doesn't matter what other people think now. I still have to make my decision.

And i have absolutely no idea what to do for now. what i know is i have to take care of this little beauty. And make my decisions with her in mind.

So far papa Jesus thank you for not making me feel too nauseated even if i'm already on my 2nd month. i just have to get enough sleep and food. thank you for making her healthy.
Lord please help me to appreciate and enjoy this journey more. I really want to Lord.

Please please please make me stronger. I feel like such a pussy right now.
Dear baby hang on, mommy will come to her senses soon.

Day 2

Next thing I knew I was already denying myself of my right to coffee every morning. It was pretty ok since at least I still got to have hot choco drink, wihch can't be so bad.

Me and my husband agreed to not tell anyone yet until confirmatory tests were complete.

I started to get paranoid about cigarette smokes. I used to stay with people at the smoking area a lot just to socialize. Yikes.

It felt crazy that there is now a pressure to be in a happy disposition for the baby, when in fact you are worrying about so many things!

First thing I prayed for was that I would not be discriminated by the dream job that I just got accepted in. I desperately want to leave my current job because the environment is horrible, I hate what I do and my boss is a pain in the ass.

I already had the much awaited job offer, and then I accepted, and then I found out I was pregnant. (0_0)

Pregnancy is never supposed to be a bad thing right?

Hello Baby! :)

Hello! I'm lady M and i'm roughly 2 months pregnant <3
I am keeping this anonymous for now because I will spill out all I feel here and all I feel is not exactly Facebook-worthy. :))))

But I simply want to document my journey as a lady who found herself pregnant before she was really fully ready. And I want to see myself transition from a reluctant mom-to-be, to a fully pledged mom as we will all turn out to be anyway.

We didn't find out in a pregnancy test, because i was very much convinced that I wasn't pregnant as I had some bleeding a week after my supposed-period. I thought i was just going through so much stress that's why my period wouldn't come out. So i drank a lot of soda and tried to run around and jog. *gasp* yes I couldn't believe either.

So when a week after has passed and I still wasn't having my period, I decided to visit the ob-gyne expecting that she would give me some meds to help me bleed. She couldn't believe that I didn't even take the PT.

Me and my husband were planning to have a baby by next year but not yet now. Like most women, I tried so hard to have my life all planned out. My career path was so clear in my mind and I was hell bent to make that happen, and to stabilize there first before I really take the plunge into motherhood.

So there, the ob-gyne asked us to take the test and voila! POSITIVE. Apparently the bleeding was due to implantation.

My husband was overjoyed, I was stunned.